Time and again.

Lately i have been so confused about everything. Now that i am done highschool, and im not going to college until next year, i have so much free time when im not working. Real life is forming itself in front of me and im not sure if i am ready for it, suddenly im worrying about paying bills and moving out and getting my own appartment. Things that not so long ago were just mere dreams. Living at home is not going so well lately what with my moms boyfriend and i not getting along and just the things that i have to put up with. I enjoy working where i do because i like a lot of the people that i work with, but i dont want to be working there for too much longer. I want to move out of my house and in with my boyfriend because whenever im here i feel so much better and i just feel so much more free and i just love the idea of being an adult and starting my own life, but at the same time, ive obviously lived with my mom my whole life and the thought of moving out my house is a little scary. There are a lot of things that i have to think about before i make such a decision, especially the fact that i have a lot of financial resposibilities now . One of the only reasons that i was holding back on moving before was because i had my puppy to worry about and i would definitely miss him way too much to leave him, but then my mom went and gave him away. I was completely devestated , and he was really my only reason to stay besides my mom . Anyways, i have a lot of things to think about.

P.S your fucking pathetic bitch,

get a life.

I Guess Time Flys When Youre Not Having Fun Aswell.

I think that as i continue to grow older, i learn more and more everyday. Ive been living in Brantford for almost a year now. Man how time goes by fast. Youd think that by now i would have new friends and a brand new life. Well you would be wrong. For some reason i just cant seem to bring myself to talk to people, well i guess thats not neccessarily true, because i have made many friends at work. But at school i am still just a simple nobody, who nobody cares about. Going off to college in the summer is something that im not so sure im ready for, but i can feel that i need to take that next step in my life. Things at home havent been going very well lately and i feel trapped in my own home. My mom has completely sided with her boyfriend on everything, its like no matter what i do the bad will ALWAYS outweigh the good. I may sound like a baby but, its not fair. She blames me not having a life here on the fact that i refuse to make friends, which , is completely not true. I have tried to make friends but for some reason its just not clicking here. At work i have many friends and i dont know how i did it there but i just cant seem to do it here. I need to take this next step in my life because i cant be here anymore, I cant stand the outrageous rules that have been put into affect at my house, i cant stand the constant bitching and always having to watch everything i do. They tell me that i should be grateful to live here and grateful to live in the house that i live in because in oakville my house wasnt nearly as good as this one. I plan on living with my boyfriend when i move away for college and my moms boyfriend seems to think this is a bad idea because, basically his house isnt as nice as ours. I dont know how one person can be so materialistic and just utterly pathetic as to base everything on what someone has. My moms boyfriend is one of the most pompous, arrogant, ignorant, OCD, self-centered people i have ever met. I cant live in that house anymore, i just cant do it. I want to start my own life, be who i am. They ruined the high school experience for me and dont even care. They completely took everything from me, TWICE, and all they can tell me is that i should be grateful, because living in Brantford is supposidely one of the greatest things that has happened to me because there are so much more opportunities here. What they fail to notice is that the opportunities and what not that they speak of, are for THEM, they dont know what i want in life, they dont know what i want to do, and being to 3 different high schools, is DEFINITELY not what i wanted. Im going to miss out on everything, i didnt get to play volleyball for my last year of high school because there were no announcements telling me when they would be, yet my mom seems to think its because i didnt even try, and of course, she knows everything. Im going to be this huge loser at prom... if i even go... because i have virtually no friends and it will just be me and my boyfriend. I wanted to walk into prom wioth my boyfriend on my arm, walking into a group of friends and having what is supposed to be one of the greatest nights of my life. Now its just going to be akward and completely wierd because i dont really know anyone, so im going to be walking into a prom full of strangers looking awkard and loser-ish.
Im grateful though, that i do have a boyfriend who supports me, even though we have some stuff with the distance that we currently have to work through.
I cannot wait until the day where i get to take that next step into my future, and get away from all this . I dont belong here and i know i dont.
Who knows what the future has in store, i guess ill know when i go shopping.

its amazing.
the things you find out from the people who are supposed to love you most.
i really can not believe this past week, someone who i thought was my best friend has decided that her problems are always going to be more important than mine, and you know what, im finally okay with that .. because im not going to deal with it anymore.
tell me that you wont talk to me until i breakup with my boyfriend, your joking me right?
your the one who is supposed to be there for me, but you cant even do that, so i say good riddence, and so does my entire family.
youve done this to yourself, dont come crawling back to me, because i really could never deal with it in the first place, and i dont want to be back in that position. sorry.
actually you know what, im not sorry, ive been sorry for too long and im not going to be anymore
this is all you my friend.
you deal with it. by yourself.
because i really am done, you just made it easier for me...
your fault, your problem, your mess. im done with trying to be there for you when you have no intention of being here for me, i should have seen it that way all along, and deep down i always knew, but i stuck by you, i defended you to the worlds end... not anymore.
your just a part of my past now, the best friend that never really was a friend. only when she felt like it.
well things change , and this time.. its for the better.

It has happened now.
ive moved away from the life i was becoming so comfortable with ,
ive come here now being forced to start a whole new life. but no worries, the past is still with me, my friends, my boyfriend.
Now that i have moved an hour away from my comfort zone, im a little, no, a lot scared. things arent the same here, i have to get used to living this new life. but of course, with the end of the old follows the beginning of the new.
And i dont neccissarily consider me moving away to be the end of anything.
In fact, it is the start of a bunch of great things.
the start of my first long distance relationship
the start of my journey to becoming an adult, what with getting my drivers licence and all.
and just the start of a chance to make what i want of myself.
i just got a new puppy yesterday, and he is the cutest thing. change can sometimes be good.
Of course being so far away from everyone back home is extremely hard.. there is nothing i can do about it till i graduate, so i might as well make the most of it until then.
I am more surprised in my boyfriend than anyone else, the fact that he is showing me such strength in sticking with me and having hope, makes me so happy i could cry. because he is showing a strenght that has rubbed off onto me, and helped me adapt better where i am now .
i am so proud of him.


i am really going to miss my old town, but i will be back there every chance i get.
and i know that this isnt the end, its only a new beginning.

I have been changing lots of things about myself. for the better. Ive been more connected with everything and ive been much more appreciative of what i have. but once again, i have something to rant about. There always is something.
I realized that i wrote my last blog about my friends , and how that was all said in the rage of a bad day gone worse.
but this is no bad day, this is just something that REALLY needs to be said. Some people just need to wake up and know when to get off their high horse and realize that they are NOT the king shit. or in thise case, queen shit.
So you and your boyfriend had a little trouble. maybe it wasnt meant to be in the first place. dont try and blame everything on one party. you are as responsible as he is, actually worse. You broke up with him.
you say that you are over him and that he is erased from your life.
STOP OBSESSING ! maybe does your behaviour remind you of a certain little obsessed blonde bitch who you are now the spitting image of! the person you say you hate the most, you are most like.
GET OVER YOURSELF.
NOBODY forced you into this relationship, nobody forced you to stay in it. NOBODY IS GOING TO SYMPATHIZE WITH YOU! you are honestly the most pathetic person, what do you think calling the cops on this person is going to do ? make him want you more? make him change for you ? NO! he DOESNT WANT YOU ANYMORE. you had your chance and you blew it . This guy is one of my great friends and i really think you should stop fucking around with his head . stop being a little bitch , and get over the fact that you are BROKEN UP. kay sweetheart, do you U N D E R S T A N D that! seriously, this makes me so mad because i have to listen to your bullshit from him, and im tired of it. its so fucking stupid what your doing to him, most of the things you say he did to you, you could have easily prevented, but you DIDNT.! you decided to stay in the relationship. As much as he said and did some not nice things, LOOK AT YOURSELF. look at how you are looking for sympathy from others. seriously, get over yourself. your broken up , its done with. stop dragging this shit on. NOBODY cares. he doesnt want you, he doesnt want anything to do with you.
OH and another thing. go ahead and yell at the messenger, you tell someone something like you are going to call the cops on your ex and you expect the person you were talking to (WHO IS IS FRIEND) not to tell him ? like who the fuck do you think you are! you had absolutely no right to yell at him for that and as a matter of fact, you have absolutly no right to be opening your mouth about your ex and his family in public, aka on this blog site. you should be fucking ashamed of yourself. it is not your business to be posting online.
and you knwo what, go ahead and say that this whole thing is not my business but you know what.
that boy, who you so easily put down along with his family, IS MY BUSINESS. whether you fucking like it or not.

Im not going to sit here and tell some bullshit story and try and make it sound all deep. because whats the point? The one thing thats really been on my mind lately is that, the only person you can really count on is yourself. Ive found my good friends in the wierdest places , and have noticed how completely wrong i was about the friends i already had. its time to leave the past where it belongs, in the past. Ive learned some things about the people i thought i could confide in. noone , is what they seem . You have your desperate and pathetic, and you have your annoying and self centered attention seeker. That is when you realize that you can do better. Its wierd how people put this mask on, and then when you get to know them, you really wish you haadn't. I think its about time i realize this now. Everyone talks behind someones back, ive done it and im sure anyone reading this knows they have done it. But what reason do you have to talk behind someones back who you call your "friend". Truth is , no friend is a real friend if you have bad things to say about them , that you cant say to their face. So this "whats-her-face" is done. Yeah i bet you thought i didnt know about that. well whatever. A real friend is there for you when you need them the most, a real friend will stick up for you, not put you down. A real friend is someone you can talk to, and carry a conversation with. Not someone who is going to sit there and dump all their problems on you , expect you to fix it , and then when you simply try and talk back about something that bothers you, they completely disregard your problems. In fact, whats worse, i have that friend, then i have a friend who tries to show up everything i say. If i say for instance, i dated someone, she has a "better" story about that person and her, she ALWAYS has something to say about everything and she needs to learn when to keep her mouth shut and when to stop backstabbing and trying to get attention and SHUT THE EFF UP. nobody cares, when you say something happened , and then refuse to tell the story, after that NOBODY CARES. dont drag it on, because it just makes you even more annoying than you already are.
I love my friends , but holy hot damn, stop trying to make everybody feel sorry for you guys, because , honestly , your all so pathetic with this. so STOP feeling sorry for yourself, and even more, stop trying to make everybody else feel sorry for you , because nobody does.


KAY . im done my rannt

xoo0Xx - kristen < 3

i hate this. and most of all i HATE her. to elaborate on this, ive been having dreams lately about, when i move , he leaves me and then goes to that stupid bitch.

fuck i cant stand her. i hate the fact that he liked her at one point in time and i hate the fact that i have to leave niagara falls to move 45 mins away. I dont know if he will want to stay with me, or if my nightmares will become reality, and he will tell me that its not worth it. UGH this is so messing with my head. ive been so stressed out lately and i dont know what to do about it. i need a job, i need to go to driving school, i need to worry about passing my g2 test because its CRITICAL that i do. i need to worry about moving away from the boy i love, i need to worry about how our relationship is going to end up after i move. i ALSO have the added stress of moving to a new town, new house, new school , in my last fucking year of highschool!!! what the fuck is that. ugh. this is horrible. but anyways, ive decided that im going to try and make the most out of the months i have left in niagara falls especially with steve. i have to make the MOST out of the time i have left in the same city as him, because i dont know whats going to happen when i move, i dont know if hes going to try it out and stay with me. i love him so much, and i hope he knows that, because there is noone in the world id rather be with than him <3

and i mean that.