as i go on, another year older, i begin to realize how much ive underestimated the life i live. Its not always so easy to be happy, to fake a smile so noone notices. Sometimes, or actually, most of the time, life twists and turns and nothing goes the way you want. What a great way to end my 15th year, spending my entire night bawling my eyes out, over someone who wasnt even worth my tears, i hate how much weakness i showed. But those are the times when you truly realize whos there for you. and who just isnt worth it anymore. I lost myself in my imagination and fantasy, believing in something that i knew for a fact wasnt going to work, and i knew in the end i would come out hurt. I was right. I usually am about those things, but see, this is why i have best friends, ones that will call me because they know somethings wrong, ones that will go over how absolutely POINTLESS guys are. and how pathetic and worthless they are. just to make me feel better. Someone who once occupied my thoughts, is now just a memory, not even worth a breath of my air. And maybe its that im maturing, but im finally coming to notice that, im going to be treated like shit. As long as i have friends to help me get through it then i know i will be fine;
I have to learn to live my life the way i want to, not basing my entire day on making someone else happy.
Thank you so much for helping me through the rough,.
i love my best friends.

school daze.

just sitting here, listening to the noises around me.
the teacher on the phone, 2 guys talking to eachother, the clicking of my keyboard. and the thoughts running through my head. They are the loudest of all. I cant really seem to keep focused in class because my mind is off somewhere else. Maybe i overthink things, maybe i need to just relax and clear my head. But there are so many thoughts, so many concerns, excitements, etc. I dont know where to begin. If i were to write all my thoughts in a book, it would probably be the longest book ever written. Sometimes ill be thinking, and my imagination will run off on me. and i will start stretching things to 10 times the size they should be.
I dont know if it is possible for me to have only one thing on my mind for more than 5 minutes. Im a thinker. I like to think.
Thats why i have this blog, so i can maybe sort out some of my thoughts and get them down in these blogs that i write.
i want to be able to clear my head and get my thoughts out.
i hate sitting in this room. the stupid resource room. people constantly walking in and out. The teacher is completely ignoring everything im doing. I could be on myspace right now and she would have no idea. I'm listening to the people behind me who are in here either because they are in trouble, or because they havent gotten their work done. that must be why they think im in here, but no.
spoke too soon. The teacher got nosey on me, and started reading this. luckily i told her that i dont let aNyone read these before i post them .
haha wow.
totally jynxed myself with that one.

what goes through some peoples minds..

i love how some people think that they have the world at their feet. I witnessed something today that i just couldnt believe, like, some people seriously have the nerve to do the dumbest things, for instance. today i was going home for lunch with three of my friends, all of a sudden this girl takes it upon herself to follow us, come into my house, with my friends, and not even ask me if im okay with it, i think she just assumed that i would say yes because im scared of her or something. I know why she did it too, because she likes the guy that i was with and she didnt want me alone with him. seriously honestly how rude and childish can you get.
and me, being the person i am, said nothing about it to her, i just let her come along, im the one doing the wrong here too because i just let her walk all over me.
pathetic. why cant i have more voice, why cant i just say what i want to say, why do my friends constantly have to remind me that i should have said something there or why didnt i say something there, it must be because im not a mean person by nature, and to be mean is hard for me, even to people who are mean to me, and who dont deserve for me to be nice to them. I`m nice anyways.

it goes on.

"in three words, i can sum up everythiing ive learned about life.... it goes on"

this is a great quote that i heard today, and i think i need to pay more attention to it. sometimes it can be the smallest things that make me feel like my world is crumbling down around me, and usually, i can always slowly find a way to build it back up.
but this one is tough. i dont know if hes okay, why he lied to me, and if i will ever see him again. all i know is that it hurts not to see him anymore, not to smilee at him, not to comment on how good he always smelt. and how cute i thought he was. but thats not all, i have to live in a house where im constantly having my right to live here threatened.
but slowly, i will build my wall back up again.

i can not wait till volleyball season starts. i cant wait to be able to take all my anger out on the sport, the one sport i look forward to playing every day, the one thing that frees me from thought. my chance to shine.
oh and i cant forget to mention the other things that help me when times are like this.
my friends, my best, truest friends.
always there to kick me in the ass when times get rough and get me back on my feet.
the ones who will laugh with me about people being mad at eachother. and the ones that will call me when they are at work , just to talk. the ones who talk to me on the phone for 2 hours, and go on webcam with me, and start dancing and singing to music with me. overall, no matter how much it seems things are tearing apart around me, this is how i always manage to keep sane.

life does go on, but it takes some time to realize it.

what about me.

i dont know what it is about me, but i am constantly bringing up the past. its like a disease. i think its because the past is the only thing i know for sure. I miss how things used to be. where i used to live. living there for 10 years made me the way i am . and in just one single day, it was all taken away from me. My school, my friends, my hometown, my street. my life. i was packed up and me and my mom moved away to a new place, completely out of the blue. I swear, that was the best and worst thing that even happened to me. best in a way that, i changed so drastically from what i used to be.
worst in a way that,. i changed so drastically from what i used to be.
i used to be shy, chunky, annoying and basically the one girl that people liked, but made fun of. nnow im not even close to that. i can be considered what you call popular, but really, what does it even mean to be popular. ive lost so much weight from what i used to be, and im a lot prettier. But changing for the better, also comes with a bit of changing for the worst. ive now done things that werent even an OPTION before, like things that when i was younger, i looked down upon people that did them. Ive changed in to something that i never thought i would.
its not exactly bad. but not good either, im growing up.
growing up is great, so many new opportiunities, but with opportunity comes responsibility. I hate how im now realizing how painful love can be, and how heartless it can be, and how much i seem to rely on a guy to keep me happy, and i really want to be independant, but for me it doesnt come easy and i dont understand why.
my friend once gave me some good advice : "take a break from guys, you really need to just spend a week thinking about you, not about guys" its easier said than done. im so childish about this , but i cant help it. its in my nature.