i hate this. and most of all i HATE her. to elaborate on this, ive been having dreams lately about, when i move , he leaves me and then goes to that stupid bitch.

fuck i cant stand her. i hate the fact that he liked her at one point in time and i hate the fact that i have to leave niagara falls to move 45 mins away. I dont know if he will want to stay with me, or if my nightmares will become reality, and he will tell me that its not worth it. UGH this is so messing with my head. ive been so stressed out lately and i dont know what to do about it. i need a job, i need to go to driving school, i need to worry about passing my g2 test because its CRITICAL that i do. i need to worry about moving away from the boy i love, i need to worry about how our relationship is going to end up after i move. i ALSO have the added stress of moving to a new town, new house, new school , in my last fucking year of highschool!!! what the fuck is that. ugh. this is horrible. but anyways, ive decided that im going to try and make the most out of the months i have left in niagara falls especially with steve. i have to make the MOST out of the time i have left in the same city as him, because i dont know whats going to happen when i move, i dont know if hes going to try it out and stay with me. i love him so much, and i hope he knows that, because there is noone in the world id rather be with than him <3

and i mean that.

hapiness

hap·py /ˈhæpi/ –adjective, -pi·er, -pi·est.
1.
delighted, pleased, or glad, as over a particular thing: to be happy to see a person.
2.
characterized by or indicative of pleasure, contentment, or joy: a happy mood; a happy frame of mind.

id say thats a very general description of happy. Though dictionary.com appears to have done it, happy is not something that can be described in so many words. hapiness is this amazing euphoric feeling, that goes all throughout you and makes you want to sing . there really isnt anything better. Happines means something completely different to everyone,
to me it means to have things fall into place, and to finally feel comfortable with where you are.
at the moment, i love where iam. i finally have a boyfriend that cares about me and what i think and loves me just as much as i love him. Being with him has introduiced me to so many new friends, that i probably wouldnt've had if i wasnt with him. ive met so many people that i now consider great friends that i can trust, and its an amazing feeling.
i dont know how or why its all falling into place now, but im so glad it is,
i couldnt be happier than i am now, and i mean that.

rant.

Every girl has a type of guy that they seem to fall for, some girls fall for the sensetive boys, some fall for jocks , and some for punks. Me ive always been partial to the bad gangster boy. For some reason they attract me. But not too long ago i came to the conclusion that they all oonly had one thing in mind.. and that was fuck n chuck. But then i met this boy . the kind of gangster boy that i am so often attracted to. I figured id meet him , maybe get to know him and hope hes not like the others . All the while in my mind so sure that he was gunna be just another jerk. So we meet up, we talk and everything seems normal it seems like its just gunna be another guy who is going to be dissapointed when i dont fuck him the night i meet him. But he does something that night, that made me think, and honestly, anyone reading this is going to think im a complete moron for thinking so intensely about this one disgusting thing. He farts. like HUGE right in front of me. And it doesnt even phase him, like hes so comfortable around me that he doesnt feel the need to contain himself. Yeah maybe im a bit crazy for thinking so much about this but hey, my instincts were correct, because we are now going on one month as a couple. And i dont know, i feel like maybe, JUST maybe, this time when i say it seems different, it actually is. Im not in love with this boy yet, but i am certainly getting there, there is no question about that. With that in mind, what a perfect time for the guy that i used to like so much, but completely fucked me over, to start telling me how much he misses me and how much he wishes he could just see me in person again and just be with me to see me smile. But how, am i supposed to believe any of this bullshit? After everything that boy put me through. Including trying to steal my bestfriend from her boyfriend right after he fucked me over. He calls me, we talk things out and i tell him that he cant continue this, i have a boyfriend that means way too much to me to throw it all away on a guy that will do everything he did before , again. You dont even have to ask me how i know that, because i just know. And it didnt help that when i asked him to call me back so i could talk to him and he tells me hell call me in 10 minutes, and then three hours later still hasnt called back ? Yeah, that doesnt remind me of what you did to me before AT ALL *rolls eyes* Iwant to still be friends with him, i really do because hes not a bad guy, just a HORRIBLE HORRIBLE boyfriend. But a) my boyfriend doesnt want me talking to him and b) how can i trust him. how can i even begin!? URGH. but whatever, it really doesnt matter to me whether i keep his friendship or not, because i dont need his words fucking with my head and i definitely dont need the bullshit. I have an absolutely amazing boyfriend,. and i want to keep it that way. for a long long time.

as i go on, another year older, i begin to realize how much ive underestimated the life i live. Its not always so easy to be happy, to fake a smile so noone notices. Sometimes, or actually, most of the time, life twists and turns and nothing goes the way you want. What a great way to end my 15th year, spending my entire night bawling my eyes out, over someone who wasnt even worth my tears, i hate how much weakness i showed. But those are the times when you truly realize whos there for you. and who just isnt worth it anymore. I lost myself in my imagination and fantasy, believing in something that i knew for a fact wasnt going to work, and i knew in the end i would come out hurt. I was right. I usually am about those things, but see, this is why i have best friends, ones that will call me because they know somethings wrong, ones that will go over how absolutely POINTLESS guys are. and how pathetic and worthless they are. just to make me feel better. Someone who once occupied my thoughts, is now just a memory, not even worth a breath of my air. And maybe its that im maturing, but im finally coming to notice that, im going to be treated like shit. As long as i have friends to help me get through it then i know i will be fine;
I have to learn to live my life the way i want to, not basing my entire day on making someone else happy.
Thank you so much for helping me through the rough,.
i love my best friends.

school daze.

just sitting here, listening to the noises around me.
the teacher on the phone, 2 guys talking to eachother, the clicking of my keyboard. and the thoughts running through my head. They are the loudest of all. I cant really seem to keep focused in class because my mind is off somewhere else. Maybe i overthink things, maybe i need to just relax and clear my head. But there are so many thoughts, so many concerns, excitements, etc. I dont know where to begin. If i were to write all my thoughts in a book, it would probably be the longest book ever written. Sometimes ill be thinking, and my imagination will run off on me. and i will start stretching things to 10 times the size they should be.
I dont know if it is possible for me to have only one thing on my mind for more than 5 minutes. Im a thinker. I like to think.
Thats why i have this blog, so i can maybe sort out some of my thoughts and get them down in these blogs that i write.
i want to be able to clear my head and get my thoughts out.
i hate sitting in this room. the stupid resource room. people constantly walking in and out. The teacher is completely ignoring everything im doing. I could be on myspace right now and she would have no idea. I'm listening to the people behind me who are in here either because they are in trouble, or because they havent gotten their work done. that must be why they think im in here, but no.
spoke too soon. The teacher got nosey on me, and started reading this. luckily i told her that i dont let aNyone read these before i post them .
haha wow.
totally jynxed myself with that one.

what goes through some peoples minds..

i love how some people think that they have the world at their feet. I witnessed something today that i just couldnt believe, like, some people seriously have the nerve to do the dumbest things, for instance. today i was going home for lunch with three of my friends, all of a sudden this girl takes it upon herself to follow us, come into my house, with my friends, and not even ask me if im okay with it, i think she just assumed that i would say yes because im scared of her or something. I know why she did it too, because she likes the guy that i was with and she didnt want me alone with him. seriously honestly how rude and childish can you get.
and me, being the person i am, said nothing about it to her, i just let her come along, im the one doing the wrong here too because i just let her walk all over me.
pathetic. why cant i have more voice, why cant i just say what i want to say, why do my friends constantly have to remind me that i should have said something there or why didnt i say something there, it must be because im not a mean person by nature, and to be mean is hard for me, even to people who are mean to me, and who dont deserve for me to be nice to them. I`m nice anyways.

it goes on.

"in three words, i can sum up everythiing ive learned about life.... it goes on"

this is a great quote that i heard today, and i think i need to pay more attention to it. sometimes it can be the smallest things that make me feel like my world is crumbling down around me, and usually, i can always slowly find a way to build it back up.
but this one is tough. i dont know if hes okay, why he lied to me, and if i will ever see him again. all i know is that it hurts not to see him anymore, not to smilee at him, not to comment on how good he always smelt. and how cute i thought he was. but thats not all, i have to live in a house where im constantly having my right to live here threatened.
but slowly, i will build my wall back up again.

i can not wait till volleyball season starts. i cant wait to be able to take all my anger out on the sport, the one sport i look forward to playing every day, the one thing that frees me from thought. my chance to shine.
oh and i cant forget to mention the other things that help me when times are like this.
my friends, my best, truest friends.
always there to kick me in the ass when times get rough and get me back on my feet.
the ones who will laugh with me about people being mad at eachother. and the ones that will call me when they are at work , just to talk. the ones who talk to me on the phone for 2 hours, and go on webcam with me, and start dancing and singing to music with me. overall, no matter how much it seems things are tearing apart around me, this is how i always manage to keep sane.

life does go on, but it takes some time to realize it.